Its not always easy, being bold. Its not easy to be the center of attention, or to say something that will change your relationship with someone. But that is what we are called to do. To boldly tell our story. To share how God has changed us, molded our hearts, mended our wounds, made us WHOLE.
For me, sharing what God has done for me is frightening because the story is full of shameful things I've done. Poor choices, selfish acts, immoral decisions. I have always been embarrassed of the horrible things in my past. I've suffered more pain than I can explain here, some of it still haunts me today. But most of it, God has eased, and He is still working on my heart so I know that with time, I'll feel entirely whole and that pain will just be a memory. The knowledge of His promise is what helps me be faithful.
God will never let us suffer in vain. I know that there is SOMEONE who will be able to relate to what I've gone through, and God didn't bring me through it not to use it for His glory!
So, I guess, here goes.
If I was going to list my sins, I'd be typing for the rest of my life. So I won't. What I will tell you is I was terribly lost. I spent the majority of puberty and young adulthood being obsessed with my weight. At one point, I'd only allow myself to eat one cup of cottage cheese a day. I was starving myself and in a dark part of me I felt like I deserved the punishment. Like I somehow had earned the agony. I know now, that the Devil had such a strong hold on me that he had made me hate myself, and everyone else.
I battled anorexia for years. I don't think its something that you ever really "get over" its like any addiction. Once the Devil see's he can use something against you, it becomes a temptation that you wrestle with for life. And I did, wrestle with it. I still do. The difference now is that God has shown me that I don't have to punish myself. I don't have to hate myself, because HE LOVES ME.
At one point in my life, I'd become so ashamed of myself and my choices that I took off and moved away. I was involved with a man who was terribly abusive. I'll say this, I have always loved Blaine, even when we were broken up and I ran off to avoid facing my problems. I think the man I was dating after him could see that I didn't love him, my mind and my heart were always with Blaine, and I think that made him hate me. I think when he hit me or said horrible things to me it was because he knew I didn't care if he was there or gone. I let him hit me and belittle me because again, I found myself thinking I deserved the abuse.
LADIES, NO WOMAN DESERVES TO BE ABUSED. NO MATTER WHAT YOU MAY THINK, IT IS ABSOLUTELY NEVER OK. YOU CAN GET OUT! I KNOW IT SEEMS HOPELESS, BUT PLEASE TRUST ME WHEN I SAY, IT ISN'T!
I found out that I was pregnant, about four months after moving away. I was terrified. I knew that if he could hit me, there was no telling what he would do to a child. And he did hit me, right after we found out, I ended up falling down about half of a flight of stairs. I miscarried about two days later.
The depression that comes with a miscarriage is crippling. Even though I was scared and in my heart I didn't WANT to be pregnant, you can't help but love a baby from the second you find out you're carrying one. I loved that baby. But I know that God had a plan and a reason for what happened, even though then I couldn't see it.
I left him a week later. I moved in with some coworkers and things seemed to get better.
For a little while, I thought I was happy. But it didn't take long before I was back to sabotaging my own life. I was drinking all the time, and abusing pain pills. I stayed high as often as I could. But no matter what I did, I had nightmares, and I couldn't just feel nothing. Which is exactly the what I was trying to do. I just wanted to not feel awful.
Not long after that I started dating one of the guys I was living with. I wanted to love him but again, my heart was screaming out for Blaine. He and I hadn't spoken in over a year and I still couldn't stop loving him.
One night he Facebook messaged me because of what I can only say was an act of God. And from that moment on, We were together. We still lived far apart, but our hearts were together. My life felt like it was turning around.
God gave me a second chance because He knew that Blaine was the right man to love me through all the demons and hurt. He has without a doubt shown me over and over and over again what unconditional love is. That's not to say that we didn't mess up along the way. Because we certainly did.
For example, we moved in together right away. Like, I moved my stuff out of my apartment and into his house. We knew we intended to get married, and figured, "why not? this is what will happen anyways."
That was the wrong thing to do. As I'm sure everyone who knows me knows, we got pregnant with Gram before we were married. I wouldn't trade my son for anything in the world, but if I had it to over, I'd like to think I'd have made the choice to honor God and wait until we were married to do the things that are meant for marriage.
We suffered some serious lows in the beginning of our marriage. But we worked through it every time something hard came our way.
It wasn't until I accepted Jesus into my heart and made him the center of my life that I really, truly begin to heal from the damage my heart had suffered. But I am healing.
And ultimately that is the point of me telling you all of this. The point is, GOD CAN HEAL. GOD CAN MEND YOUR HEART! He has taken away my nightmares, He has eased my insecurities, He has blessed me with peace and more love in my life than I ever knew possible. Love from others, and love from me, to myself. Something I thought wasn't possible.
I hope that someone can benefit from reading this. And hear me again when I say, GOD can do anything. You only have to ask.
For me, sharing what God has done for me is frightening because the story is full of shameful things I've done. Poor choices, selfish acts, immoral decisions. I have always been embarrassed of the horrible things in my past. I've suffered more pain than I can explain here, some of it still haunts me today. But most of it, God has eased, and He is still working on my heart so I know that with time, I'll feel entirely whole and that pain will just be a memory. The knowledge of His promise is what helps me be faithful.
God will never let us suffer in vain. I know that there is SOMEONE who will be able to relate to what I've gone through, and God didn't bring me through it not to use it for His glory!
So, I guess, here goes.
If I was going to list my sins, I'd be typing for the rest of my life. So I won't. What I will tell you is I was terribly lost. I spent the majority of puberty and young adulthood being obsessed with my weight. At one point, I'd only allow myself to eat one cup of cottage cheese a day. I was starving myself and in a dark part of me I felt like I deserved the punishment. Like I somehow had earned the agony. I know now, that the Devil had such a strong hold on me that he had made me hate myself, and everyone else.
I battled anorexia for years. I don't think its something that you ever really "get over" its like any addiction. Once the Devil see's he can use something against you, it becomes a temptation that you wrestle with for life. And I did, wrestle with it. I still do. The difference now is that God has shown me that I don't have to punish myself. I don't have to hate myself, because HE LOVES ME.
At one point in my life, I'd become so ashamed of myself and my choices that I took off and moved away. I was involved with a man who was terribly abusive. I'll say this, I have always loved Blaine, even when we were broken up and I ran off to avoid facing my problems. I think the man I was dating after him could see that I didn't love him, my mind and my heart were always with Blaine, and I think that made him hate me. I think when he hit me or said horrible things to me it was because he knew I didn't care if he was there or gone. I let him hit me and belittle me because again, I found myself thinking I deserved the abuse.
LADIES, NO WOMAN DESERVES TO BE ABUSED. NO MATTER WHAT YOU MAY THINK, IT IS ABSOLUTELY NEVER OK. YOU CAN GET OUT! I KNOW IT SEEMS HOPELESS, BUT PLEASE TRUST ME WHEN I SAY, IT ISN'T!
I found out that I was pregnant, about four months after moving away. I was terrified. I knew that if he could hit me, there was no telling what he would do to a child. And he did hit me, right after we found out, I ended up falling down about half of a flight of stairs. I miscarried about two days later.
The depression that comes with a miscarriage is crippling. Even though I was scared and in my heart I didn't WANT to be pregnant, you can't help but love a baby from the second you find out you're carrying one. I loved that baby. But I know that God had a plan and a reason for what happened, even though then I couldn't see it.
I left him a week later. I moved in with some coworkers and things seemed to get better.
For a little while, I thought I was happy. But it didn't take long before I was back to sabotaging my own life. I was drinking all the time, and abusing pain pills. I stayed high as often as I could. But no matter what I did, I had nightmares, and I couldn't just feel nothing. Which is exactly the what I was trying to do. I just wanted to not feel awful.
Not long after that I started dating one of the guys I was living with. I wanted to love him but again, my heart was screaming out for Blaine. He and I hadn't spoken in over a year and I still couldn't stop loving him.
One night he Facebook messaged me because of what I can only say was an act of God. And from that moment on, We were together. We still lived far apart, but our hearts were together. My life felt like it was turning around.
God gave me a second chance because He knew that Blaine was the right man to love me through all the demons and hurt. He has without a doubt shown me over and over and over again what unconditional love is. That's not to say that we didn't mess up along the way. Because we certainly did.
For example, we moved in together right away. Like, I moved my stuff out of my apartment and into his house. We knew we intended to get married, and figured, "why not? this is what will happen anyways."
That was the wrong thing to do. As I'm sure everyone who knows me knows, we got pregnant with Gram before we were married. I wouldn't trade my son for anything in the world, but if I had it to over, I'd like to think I'd have made the choice to honor God and wait until we were married to do the things that are meant for marriage.
We suffered some serious lows in the beginning of our marriage. But we worked through it every time something hard came our way.
It wasn't until I accepted Jesus into my heart and made him the center of my life that I really, truly begin to heal from the damage my heart had suffered. But I am healing.
And ultimately that is the point of me telling you all of this. The point is, GOD CAN HEAL. GOD CAN MEND YOUR HEART! He has taken away my nightmares, He has eased my insecurities, He has blessed me with peace and more love in my life than I ever knew possible. Love from others, and love from me, to myself. Something I thought wasn't possible.
I hope that someone can benefit from reading this. And hear me again when I say, GOD can do anything. You only have to ask.