I hit a hiccup the first time I posted, since I am so new to this I posted my first entry in the wrong place!! Please hang in there with me while I figure this all out!! I've posted in the actual blog section now so please, feel free to leave comments now!!
The last six months have been a huge time of change and transformation for me. I have found, and truly pursue the Lord daily. I find myself praising Him without even realizing it, like its second nature. As natural as breathing. Never in my life have I ever felt so peaceful. Even when things are rough and I can't see the end of a hard situation, I don't feel that sense of panic. That fear that things won't be OK in the end. Now I know that He will never let me be, not OK. In fact, I feel like He is setting me up to be way more than just OK in the long run! And that is a wonderful feeling!
Christianity has always been something that I knew was real but that I didn't UNDERSTAND. I'm still learning things daily. Most recently, I've been learning how to let go. To put down past baggage and stop carrying it around with me. With each passing day old hurts and worries get heavier and heavier. Its like they gain weight the longer we hold onto them. For me, this has been particularly difficult. I have a nasty habit of holding a grudge. For me it has always been instinctual to react with anger to any situation where I felt wronged or afraid. When I felt betrayed or hurt, my immediate reaction was anger. And I held onto that anger for a very long time. Sometimes years.
Last year I suffered a huge loss. Someone who knew everything about me, someone who I talked to literally ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. Our friendship ended suddenly, and messily. I know that we weren't lifting each other up, and we definitely weren't encouraging one another to be better people. But knowing those things doesn't change the hurt that comes with losing a friendship that has always been so dear to my heart. For the longest time I wanted to blame it all on her actions and what she said, rather than taking responsibility for the part I played in the breakdown. I told myself every time it crossed my mind, that I was the one who was right, that I did everything I could to be a good friend. And every day I convinced myself a little more that I was justified in my anger towards her and that I was blameless. I kept that anger close to me, I let it replace my my friendship with her and I took it on as a best friend.
Last Sunday, the message was directed at me. John said that in order for 2014 to be better than the years past, I had to let the past go. I had to put down the baggage, and walk away from it. So I did exactly that. He also said that sometimes, an apology can just reopen an old wound. That there are times when revisiting the situation in order to apologize, can actually just stir it back up and bring on a whole new round of hurt and anger.
I've felt God telling me for sometime now, that I needed to make amends. That I should take responsibility and say "I'm sorry." So that is what this is. This is a formal, in writing, heartfelt apology. If the person I've wronged ever reads this I hope that it is received as a genuine apology. I don't know if we'll ever be able to talk it out. Maybe a day will come when enough time has passed that a conversation won't spark an argument. I'm just not sure if that day has come yet.
I have also had to learn that sometimes God removes people from our lives for a reason. I don't mean that I don't miss them. I do. But He has brought so many truly uplifting and Godly women into my life, I thank Him every day. I've got a best friend who feeds my soul and understands that my walk with the Lord is supremely important to me. She supports that and shares the same beliefs. Last night in fact, she invited me to go to a connect group where I met such a wonderful group of people that I never would have had the chance to meet had He not known to put her into my life at such a desperate point.
This is longer than I meant for it to be. And if you made it this far, please know that I appreciate it!! I look forward to sharing the things happening in my life!